Normal

Normal.

Normal is the default. The most common. Straightforward. Ordinary. Regular. Everything outside of normal is contrasted with normal and held to the standards of normal. Normal is the majority. The world is made by normal people to accommodate normalness.

Only by people not being normal can we understand what normal is in a particular context. We have all sorts of measurements of normal---we measure physical normalness by things like blood pressure, heart rate, BMI. Intellectual normalness is measured with IQ or SAT test scores. But things like emotional or spiritual normalness are measured by the absence of something, rather than the presence. People are normal if they are not dealing with any number of emotional or mental conditions like ADD or Autism or Schizophrenia and others. Spiritually they are normal if they are not psychic mediums or healers.

In Dabrowski's Theory of Positive Disintegration, he identifies 5 levels of human development, and he calls normal Level 1: Primary Integration.

Statistically speaking, normal or conventional people make up large majorities of societies across the globe and throughout history. Relations between normal individuals/groups and any kind of outsiders are very challenging at best and very dangerous and possibly fatal at worst. This fact is easy to observe when the differences are visible, with things like someone's skin color, sexual orientation, or physical disabilities.

When the differences are invisible, it is much harder for everyone--normal or otherwise-- to understand why someone can't just be 'normal' or why something that comes so easily to most people is so difficult, if not impossible for others. This frustration and misunderstanding drives a lot of negative behaviors toward others who can not meet the normal standards within a particular group.

Non-normal people---described by Dabrowski as existing somewhere between his Levels 2 and 5, also make this mistake, and assume they should easily be able to conform or meet a standard of a particular group, and that this should be a goal to aspire to attain. In this way, both normal--Level 1 and non-normal--Levels 2-5 affirm and reinforce this idea of normal, and in so doing, usually the non-normal person in the situation is found lacking by everyone. No amount of changing behavior  and no amount of concealing differences, as well as no amount of contributing his or her unique gifts can usually bridge these communication gaps between levels. The gifted person is the outsider, and it's common for them to blame themselves when these relationships ultimately expose how different the individuals are resulting in awkward distance.

Humans are social animals and most of us want to find connections and the place where we belong.  Most of us are conditioned to find our group and then conform and uphold the rules of the group in order to fit in and gain acceptance. Gifted people have a much harder time finding and keeping relationships for many reasons:
--they fail to see how different they are from others, especially normal people
--they do not realize that other gifted people are also extremely unique, and because of this, there are generally not groups of gifted people
--they may blame themselves for not being normal, misunderstand, or under value their gifts, and enter into relationships in an apologetic manner
--they may not be familiar with the concept that gifted people have very uneven or asynchronous skill sets or maturity levels, so they may experience more failure or awkwardness than normal people.

Gifted people may be jealous of the benefits of normalcy:
inclusion
group protection
internal uncomplicated-ness
straightforward experiences in school or on the job
being in-sync with time, social events, holidays
shared experiences and support

And, at the same time may be angry or confused by them.
How can a person:
--not be curious about ___?
--not feel moved by or responsible for ___?
--not see this obvious thing in front of them...?

Simultaneously, Gifteds may think if they could resolve their issues or deficits, they would automatically be welcomed back into the group of normalcy. They do not realize the magnitudes of differences between the two groups that will separate them and elude them forever from rejoining the huge numbers of people who enjoy Level 1 - Primary Integration.

But, aside from the qualities we identify that we are missing in our lives---inclusion or support or whatever---due to our Giftedness, our childhood traumas, or our mental or physical diagnoses, could we ever really be happy or at home in a group or a family where:

-People are not curious
-People do not reflect on their behavior, and actively seek personal growth
-People value merging with the group or identify with tradition in an unquestioning kind of way
-People actively shut down their critical thinking skills, even if it causes harm to themselves or others

Or, where:

--the externals--reputations, status, appearances, net worth matter more
than individuals internal quality of life, or personal expression
--performance and achievement matter more than fulfillment

And usually:

-Where a hierarchy guides who gets group support and resources, and who is expected to accept supporting roles?
-Where fulfilling your role in the group is more important than finding your voice and your own goals or finding personal fufillment?

Just as gifted people complain that normal people misunderstand them, or cherry pick them for the good parts but are not supportive in times of need, it's important to remember, as Gifteds, we can not cherry pick the good parts of life in Primary Integration while forgetting the downsides.

Usually we all have a really good sense of how different we are than most others, but, rather than realizing the things we don't like about our interactions with those in Primary Integration as things that pertain to most or all of those individuals/groups--because statistically, they are all variations of people at Level 1----we tend to think, "If I just fixed x, y, z about myself, or about my life, I could try to find (inclusion, fun, protection, loyalty, support) in another group..."

Unless it is a group of gifted people, or individuals dealing with similar mental or physical health challenges, it is important to remember that everything that separates people between Level 1 and the other Levels 2-5 is constantly operating in the background, and just because we're all rooting for NCAA teams during March Madness, or enjoying our new basketweaving skills together, our surface interests, and our surface topics of communication obscure our differences for short periods of time.

Once our differences become apparent, and these relationships become awkward or distant, it is not a failure on anyone's part. Gifted people especially are at risk of experiencing these relationship changes as failures. This is because there are vastly larger numbers of Level 1 individuals, and society has validated them as normal, so their behavior becomes the standard by which Gifted people judge themselves against. Also, the Overexcitabilities experienced by Gifted people, magnify these events in their emotions or imagination, and getting over the disappointment and inaccurately perceived failure or personal shortcomings takes up a lot of time in reflection and study.

Learning about Giftedness, and Dabrowski's Theory of Positive Disintegration and his theories about Overexcitabilities can help Gifted individuals reframe these disappointments as natural consequences of what happens when people from different levels of personal development interact, and possibly save them hours of anguish and repeated disappointments that could be better spent directed toward discovering relationships that have actual potential. Or finding other ways to inspire and develop themselves that will actually be rewarding.

For those of us who never had the option of being at level one, due to traumatic life circumstances or complicated health situations, we have an additional layer of grief to process as we come to understand our Giftedness. We never had Level One, so we never experienced interal uncomplicatedness and we did not get to make an active choice to grow beyond our secure or workable circumstances. We must accept this loss, as we learn to find internal places in ourselves where we feel secure, at ease, uncomplicated, or protected. Not an easy task for sure. But it is possible, and has the potential to actually be fulfilling. I know, I am still super duper jealous and sad, mostly about the internal uncomplicatedness part. Sounds like heaven.